I Can't Lose You Either
by that-first-glance-feeling
Summary: Gold finds his way back to Storybrooke and kidnaps Henry. Emma and Killian are willing to sacrifice everything to save him, but who will pay the highest price? "I won't let you harm Henry or Emma, because unlike you, I love my family and would gladly sacrifice everything for them, including my life." "The Saviour's heart can't be taken." "Not even by the hand of her true love?"


**A/N: I once read it somewhere, in one of those writing advice sheets, that you should never be afraid to make your characters suffer and push them to their limits. I may have taken that advice too seriously this time.**

**This is the most deliciously heart-wrenching angst I've ever written, so I hope you enjoy the feels overload ahead.**

**You know I always love to hear your opinions on my fics, so I would particularly love to hear what you have to say about my first long angst :D**

**Canon divergence, set after _Heroes and Villains._**

**Enjoy! xxx**

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><p><strong>I can't lose you either<strong>

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><p><em>With every heartbeat I have left<em>_  
><em>_I will defend your every breath_

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><p>She is holding onto him for dear life, her nails biting into his shoulders as she lets herself sob violently. His hand cradles the back of her head as he whispers incoherent words, his hook rubbing soothing circles on her back.<p>

(It's at these times when he wishes most he had both hands to hold her with, to bring comfort to her rather than touching a cold, murderous piece of metal to her soft, warm skin.)

"I- I can't believe he'd hurt Henry." She cries, the sheer agony in her voice making his heart break to pieces. He merely holds her tighter as he's at a loss for words, focusing instead on holding back his own tears - and failing miserably at that. "But the worst is that it's my fault, Killian. What kind of mother lets her own son get kidnapped?"

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><p><em>David and Mary Margaret had burst through the door, bringing Granny into the station with them. Emma had spent all morning working her way through a pile of paperwork with Killian and, for a few moments, she was actually glad to have something less monotonous to do. That is until the elderly lady started talking.<em>

_About half an hour earlier, Henry had stopped at Granny's to grab his usual afternoon fill of hot cocoa with cinnamon. He was just about to leave and walk to Regina's when Rumplestiltskin and a woman wearing a uniform that read New York Aquarium puffed in the middle of the diner. Rumple grabbed him roughly by the arm and the woman readily made them vanish into thin air without uttering a single word to anyone, leaving nothing but dark green smoke behind them._

_By the time Granny had finished her account, Emma's hands were shaking nervously on her sides. Killian noticed and took her hand, squeezing firmly as her parents approached._

_"We're going to find him, Emma, you know we will." Her mother said._

_"It's what this family does, remember? But right now, you need to calm down first." David said, and she let go of Killian's hand to let herself be held and comforted in her father's arms._

_"We'll leave you here with Killian and, when you're feeling ready, call us." Her mother added in a strong, though almost breaking voice. "We'll come up with a plan to cross the town line and find him later, but for that, we need to be thinking clearly - we all do." Mary Margaret took her face with both hands and pressed a kiss to Emma's forehead, tears rolling thick from her eyes and falling on her daughter's cheeks._

_Emma only managed a whispered okay as she was struggling to keep her own tears at bay in front of her parents. Her mother was already crying and she didn't need to feel worse by seeing her daughter come undone in front of her eyes. David gave Killian a solemn nod while Mary Margaret ran her hands up and down Emma's arms soothingly, and then they left the station taking Granny with them._

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><p>He pressed a kiss to her temple and slowly pulled back to look into her eyes, keeping a firm hold on her waist. "Hush now, Swan. How could this possibly be your fault? You had no way of knowing."<p>

"But I haven't been spending much time with him ever since- you know. He said he understood, but still. I should have seen this coming, I should have known Gold would find a way to come back. I'm the goddamn Saviour, I should have known."

The week following the night when Killian almost got his heart crushed had been spent with Emma never letting him out of her sight. He worked with her on the station most days, and she'd been sharing his room at Granny's more often than not. As a result, Henry had been spending a lot more time with Regina and the Charmings than with her, even though Emma would always make sure to at least have dinner with him - and Killian - every single day.

"My love, even the Saviour cannot prevent every woe from betiding this town." He hadn't realised a few tears had escaped his eyes until she raised her hand to cup his cheek and bring him down for a kiss, the salty taste on their lips souring their moment. "We'll find a way to save Henry together. I promise you, Emma."

He felt her still in his arms for a brief second before she was pulling away and shaking her head. "No. I've already let Henry be taken, I can't risk Gold putting his hands on you again."

He took a step towards her, suddenly starting to panic at the thought that his stubborn Swan would want to do something as dangerous as confronting Rumplestiltskin on her own. She held her hands up trying to stop him from coming any closer. He did so nevertheless, stopping only when her hands touched his chest and he brought his hand to cover hers and his hook to her other wrist.

(She's bloody daft if she thinks he'll let her start running away from him again now.)

"There's no way in hell I'm letting you near that monster alone. You've already cast a spell to protect my heart, there's no reason to worry about me."

"Gold might know some counter spell to undo it. I'm sorry." She held his hand in hers, and he brought them to his lips to press a kiss to her knuckles - his wide, _frightened_, pleading eyes never leaving hers. "Killian, I can't- I can't take a chance that something will happen to you again."

In one swift movement she released her other wrist from his hook and produced a pair of handcuffs from her jacket pocket, quickly cuffing his hand to her desk.

"Swan, don't do this. Let me go with you!"

She muttered _I'm sorry _one more time before closing her eyes and stretching out her arms in front of her.

"Emma!" He started to desperately hit the cuffs with his hook even though the hopeless thought occurred to him that he wouldn't be faster than her.

Emma recalled the few magic lessons she'd had with Regina on how to puff from one place to another, trying to imagine the outline of the Acquarium she had often visited with Henry in New York.

There was a flash of white light that forced Killian to close his eyes lest he wanted to be blind, and when he looked around again, she was gone.

"EMMA!"

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><p>KNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK.<p>

The frantic knocking made Regina hurry to her front door already imagining what the newest threat in town was.

"What the hell is going on here?" Regina opened her door finding Killian's fist stopped in mid-air, inches away from hitting her face instead of the door this time. "Hook? What are you doing here?" She scowled at him.

"Trying to help save your son, and Emma."

"What are you talking about? Where's Henry?"

He told her everything he'd heard from Granny, including the crucial detail of the mysterious woman's uniform.

"So, Emma went to the New York Aquarium on an impulsive guess without even knowing if that's where they took Henry. That is if she managed to get it right and didn't appear in the middle of the desert or something." She huffed out a bitter laugh. "Wonderful. Now we might need to rescue two people instead of one."

"She got it right, Regina. She is there with Henry now, and so is Rumplestiltskin, so can we hurry?" What was the point in even trying to conceal his desperation anyway.

"How do you know that?"

"I've faith in her. So should you."

Regina let out a sigh and offered him a tight smile. "I hope you're right. But we need a plan."

"Done that. Now shall we go?"

"Wait a minute, Captain. Care to share? I'm not going to confront Gold and whoever he's currently allying with without knowing what we're doing. We don't even know what he wants with Henry."

Killian heaved out a heavy sigh. "All he wanted a week ago was my heart to cast a spell that would free him from the control of his dagger. He needed the powers stored in the magic hat to perform the spell because his powers alone we not sufficient. He doesn't have either the hat or my heart now."

"Your point is?"

"Gold needed _my _heart in particular because it had to belong to someone who knew him before he became the Dark One. Pan needed the faith and the power of the Heart of The Truest Believer to remain young for centuries. I believe Rumple is assuming Henry's heart is powerful enough to allow him to cast the spell, and-"

"And Henry's faith should be enough to believe in who he was before he got turned into the Dark One, even if he hadn't met him then."

"Aye. Like father, like son." He huffed out bitterly.

"And just how do you plan on stopping Rumplestiltskin, Hook?"

"By offering him my heart instead of Henry's and saying we're giving him the hat as well."

Regina's eyes widened in disbelief. "Are you insane? We can't-"

"We won't bring him the hat, of course. But before he realises that we need to knock him down."

"I can take care of that, I think."

"Good. But none of this will work if we get there and it's too late. So get us to the bloody aquarium now!"

She did as she was told and within seconds they were both surrounded by a cloud of purple smoke and Killian felt a gust of wind on his face.

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><p>"Let me go you… weird octopus!" Emma wriggled trying to break free as Ursula's tentacles squeezed tight around her arms.<p>

"Name's Ursula, darling." The woman's smile was eerily similar to the psycho grin Pan always had on his face when he tried to play his mind games on Emma. She shivered at the memories of Neverland that wouldn't stop rushing to her mind now that Henry's heart was in danger again.

"Whatever." She turned to Gold who was inspecting Henry - the boy slept soundly on a mattress by the corner. "Gold, please. He's your grandson. How can you do this to him? What about Neal?"

"My son died a hero, thinking his father would finally be one too. And I sure am glad that's all he lived to see." Rumple muttered bitterly in reply.

Emma could feel her cheeks flaring red with anger. "The only reason you lost him in the first place was because you wouldn't let go of your thirst for power. And now you lost Belle because of this same power. It's consuming you, Gold. Don't let it overcome the love I know you feel for your grandson."

He turned to her, apparently paying attention to her words, and she felt a little flame of hope sparking in her heart.

"I'm sure Belle will forgive you if you prove how you've changed this time, by changing your mind and bringing Henry home safe." She continued.

"Miss Swan," he let out a shallow huff of laughter. "She'll never forgive me. I've proved to her that I had truly changed many times before, and I never had. I never will. The only way I can have her love back, as well as Neal's, is by finding the author and writing my own happy ending. And for that, I need the powers of the Dark One without the dagger holding me back."

Emma's face fell and she could feel her tears start to prickle the corner of her eyes.

"I wish there was a way of not hurting Henry in the process. But, unfortunately I don't have your beloved pirate's heart or the Sorcerer's hat on me now."

"What if you did?" A deep voice roared from the door. Rumple, Emma and Ursula turned their head towards it instantly. "Did you miss me, old friend?" Killian said, spitting the last words out.

"Regina! It's been a long time." Ursula greeted her frenemy.

"Can't say it's good to see you again." Regina muttered in reply.

"Enough! What do the two of you suppose you're doing here?" Rumple hissed, glaring at Killian.

"I won't let you harm Henry or Emma, because unlike you, I love my family and would gladly sacrifice everything for them, including my life."

"Killian, get the hell out of here right now!" Emma shouted, struggling in Ursula's hold.

He looked at her with a sad smile and a resigned look on his face - it made her heart hammer aggressively in her chest as if all it wanted to was jump out and run to him.

"Surely you don't mean to say what I think you're saying, dearie." Rumple looked at Killian with his best sarcastic smirk on.

"Oh but I do. Let's make a deal, shall we? I've the box with your precious magic hat in my satchel. You let Regina take Emma and Henry back to Storybrooke safely, and I'll let you have that and my heart."

"NO!" Emma started kicking the tentacles that held her legs together ferociously, to which Ursula merely rolled her eyes and laughed in contempt. "Gold, listen to me! You can't rip his heart out! I protected it with a spell after you almost crushed it."

As Rumple turned from Killian's direction to speak to Emma, Regina took the chance to shoot her magic at him from beside the pirate. She was firing red rays of light at him, but before they had barely her hands, Rumple turned and waved his arm, paralysing her in that position.

"Na-ah, dearie." He said, waving his index finger in front of her frozen face. "I believe that's what the Captain here would call _bad form_, right?"

Rumple's contented laughter sounded more like a shriek than anything else.

"Now, I was going to have to wait for Maleficent to undo the protective spell on Henry's heart anyway. I'd much rather spare my grandson's life and finish what I should have done too long ago."

"Killian, no! You promised-" Emma shouted before Ursula wrapped another tentacle around her, effectively covering her mouth and stifling her screams.

"Shh, darling. It's very rude to interrupt when people are talking." Ursula said, mockingly raising her finger to her lips.

Killian winced upon hearing the agony in Emma's words and closed his eyes shut, while Rumple didn't even spare the two women a glance.

"Looks like you've got yourself a deal. Now, hand over the hat." Rumple said through gritted teeth.

"No. You let Regina take Emma and Henry to Storybrooke safely first, then you can have the box and my heart."

"And lose all the leverage I have on you? I think not. Why don't we meet halfway, dearie?"

Rumple walked over to the mattress where Henry was lying and waved his hand over the boy, who readily opened his eyes and got up, looking deeply distraught.

"Mum? Killian? What's going on? Where am I?" He asked, looking over at Regina and Killian .

"Henry, listen to me, lad. You must run to Regina's side right now." Killian said firmly and Henry did as he was told. "Gold, your turn to act."

Rumple stretched his arm out and waved in Regina's direction to release her. She gasped and kneeled down to hold Henry tight in her arms.

"Henry, are you okay? Are you hurt?" She asked, letting him pull back to search his face for any signs of visible injuries.

Henry looked over Regina's shoulder and finally spotted Emma trapped in Ursula's tentacles on the far side of the room.

"Mum! Mum! We have to help her!" Henry said with a distressed voice, looking down at Regina, who, in turn, looked at Killian unsure of what to do.

Killian was looking at Emma's tears of relief as she saw Henry was safe. It was torturing him to see her like that and imagine the worst was yet to come. He couldn't take it anymore.

"Gold, _please-_" He said, a single tear escaping his eye and rolling down his cheek as his voice started to break. "She doesn't need to be haunted by these memories for the rest of her life like me. Don't make her go through this. _Please_, spare her."

Rumple let out a maniac, high pitched laughter. "I like the sound of you begging, Captain. Do it again."

At that moment Emma bit on the tentacle covering her mouth and Ursula winced in pain. The loops around her loosened slightly and she found it was enough space to raise her hands and let a blast of white magic knock Ursula down to the floor unconscious.

"Regina, you and Henry get away from here. Now!" Emma all but shouted.

Regina nodded and embraced Henry tight against her chest despite his protests. She closed her eyes and within seconds they disappeared in a cloud of purple fog.

Emma strode over to where Killian was standing and snatched his satchel from him, quickly moving away to fight the desperate need to run to his arms that threatened to set her chest ablaze from within.

"Swan, what are you doing?" He asked, confusion written all over his face.

"Do you really think he'd bring the hat to you after all the innocent lives you took with it?" Emma said looking at Rumple. She proceeded to furiously empty the contents of his bag onto the floor, which amounted to a few rocks similar to the starry box in shape and size.

"What?" Rumple glared at Killian so hard Emma was scared he would start shooting magical daggers at him through his eyes. "Haven't you heard it, dearie? Nobody breaks a deal with the Dark One and lives to tell the story."

Rumple raised his hand in the air and Killian's feet lifted off the floor, the invisible grip on his throat making him choke breathlessly.

"The deal is still on, Gold." Emma said with a calm voice. "But you're taking my heart instead of his."

The only sign that Rumple had heard her was the guttural growl he emitted.

"My heart is just as powerful as Henry's." She continued. "It has enough power to allow you to cast the spell. And I'm the damn Saviour, Gold. Surely my heart can _save _even the Dark One from the control of his dagger."

He growled again, louder this time. "Yes, but you're forgetting a small detail. The Saviour's heart can't be taken. You don't think I know that?"

"Not even by the hand of her true love?"

Rumple stopped dead in his tracks and moved his hand, haphazardly throwing Killian on to the nearby wall. He turned his full attention to her.

"What exactly are you saying, miss Swan?"

"Zelena was only able to curse his lips to remove my powers when he swore his love for me. Can you curse his hand like that so he can take my heart out?"

The look on Rumplestiltskin's face could only be described as one of dumbfounded stupefaction. Emma stared at him and for a few moments she could almost see the gears turning in his mind.

"Wh- What sort of idiotic question is that? Of course I can do it."

"Then do we have a deal? You let him live and walk out unharmed and take my heart instead."

Killian had finally managed to stand on his feet, but dared not cross the distance between him and Emma - he only shook his head muttering _no_ over and over again as he gazed at her with pleading eyes.

"Right, but it'll only work if it's true love." Rumple let out another shrieking hoot of laugher.

"Are you sure this…" he waved his hand at Killian looking for the right words, "this one-handed pirate with a drinking problem is actually capable of that?"

Emma looked at the man who had become her anchor, keeping her steady when the tides threatened to take her under, the man who had made her believe in the power of love again - the man who had brought her _home _in more ways than he could possibly know.

"I've always known it. That's why I was so scared before." She let out a wistful sigh and smiled at Killian. "That's why I left him chained up on that beanstalk when we'd only just met. I've always known."

A small smile took shake on his lips and she would have felt happy to finally confess it to him, if it wasn't for the concern marring his features with a deep frown.

"Fine. We have a deal." Rumple smiled with a diabolic glimmer in his eye. "Now you need to make him swear it."

Emma ran to Killian and fell into his arms, letting herself cry on his shoulder like she had been needing to do for far too long. He cradled the back of her head, treading his fingers through her long, blonde strands, and he was holding her so tight she could barely breathe. But it was okay - she didn't need air half as much as she needed to feel his heart beating against her own chest at that moment.

"Emma, you're out of your mind if you think I'm doing this." He pulled back and whispered to her. "Losing you is a risk I'm not willing to take. I would never dare touch your heart."

"But don't you see it, Killian? You've already touched all of it." She said in a broken sob, her tears flowing thick down her face. "I won't let you risk your life for me. I told you I can't lose you too."

"And _I _can't lose _you_ either, my love." He but murmured against her lips, their faces so close that their breaths mingled together.

"As long as your heart is mine and mine is yours, everything will be alright. I promise you that."

Except that she didn't really know if everything was going to be alright. Her heart was hammering so strong against her ribcage it was physically aching. She couldn't even form a coherent thought, let alone think this through carefully.

But something inside her kept saying her plan would work, and they would succeed simply because their love was strong enough to protect the both of them. She wasn't used to acting on her heart but she decided now was the perfect opportunity to start doing so.

"Do you _trust me_?" She asked him, cupping his face with one hand.

His eyes met hers and he pulled her forward for an earth-shattering, bruising kiss, only pulling away when they needed to breathe. He rested his forehead against hers letting his tears fall from his face onto hers and mix with her own - he couldn't care less for his composure at that moment.

"With my life, Emma."

"Then I need you to promise me one thing." Her voice was shaking and she gulped back a sob, placing a kiss on the corner of his mouth before continuing. "Killian Jones, do you love me?"

He looked at her beseechingly, searching the depths of her sea green eyes for any traces of reluctance, hesitation or fear. He finally let out a breath he'd been mindlessly holding when he found nothing but _clarity _there.

"I vow to thee, Emma Swan, I love you with all I am." He said, blue still locked on green, and he held her gaze for all his dreams of their future happiness.

Rumple did a thoroughly unimpressed, meagre hand flourish and Killian's hand was suddenly enveloped by a blood red glow. His hand started to shake and Emma held it with both of hers, bringing it to rest above her heart as she kept a firm grip on his wrist - she knew he would never be able to do it if she didn't push him.

His hooked arm found its way to her back and pulled her impossibly closer to him as they kept their hands in her chest. He buried his face in the crook of her neck and breathed her in, hoping to all the gods above that it wasn't for the last time.

He left a trail of damp, salty kisses along her neck and cheek, but before he could crash his lips on hers with all the passion of a man facing the prospect of losing the love of his life, she stopped him.

"Easy, tiger. Save that for later, okay?" He nodded and brushed their noses together affectionately. She squeezed his wrist gently before asking her final question. "I believe in you, Killian. Do you?"

He let out a shaky breath before nodding, though his hand wouldn't stop shaking.

She took a sharp intake of breath and abruptly pushed his hand inside her chest, and she could immediately feel his warm fingers gently closing around her heart, holding it in place, _treasuring _it as _his_. She gasped feeling the wonderful warm fuzz that she'd only felt before when she kissed Henry's forehead and broke Regina's curse.

But, this time it was different. Instead of coming from her lips, it bloomed in her heart and spread through her entire body, making her feel as though she was soaring - as though Killian was literally making her heart fly out of her chest.

Emma opened her eyes and met his expectant countenance with a beaming smile, which readily produced a mirroring one on his lips. She knew Rumple was watching and they had to be quick now that it was time for the most dangerous part of her plan. She could feel her magic charging around her heart like a protective shield ready to blow up at any minute.

"Killian, remember what happened with Cora at lake Nostos?" She whispered so low she wouldn't have been sure whether he heard her if it wasn't for his firm nod. "I won't let it happen to you, but for that I need you to do two important things. First, I need you to keep holding on to my heart and not let go until the blast is over."

"I'll never let go of your heart, Emma." He grinned at her. "What's the second thing?"

She let go of his wrist to gently hold his face with both her hands.

"Kiss me."

The second he crashed his lips on hers the whole world around them went mute and the only sound their ears captured was that of their hearts beating in synchrony.

A warm blast of rosy pink light emanated from where her heart was devotedly held in his hand, spreading through the entire room knocking down everything in its way, including Rumplestiltskin and Maleficent - who had just puffed beside him and didn't have the time to utter a single word.

A soft breeze was blowing around them as Emma's magic recollected itself from their surroundings and rushed back into her body, but all of it went by completely unnoticed.

Killian pulled back after a few more minutes to reclaim the air into his lungs and Emma rested her forehead against his, breathing heavily.

They looked down and finally realised he still had his hand closed around her heart. Both scanned the room around them for any signs of magic still floating about before she nodded at him, and only then he let go, carefully pulling his hand out of her chest.

She smiled at him and jumped into his arms, taking him down to the floor with her lying on top of him. She pressed her lips to his letting a tide of happy tears wash away all the pain and all the fear from before.

She couldn't tell whether the salty taste on her lips came from hers or his tears, but all she cared about at that moment were the words she desperately needed to tell him.

She pulled away to lock her eyes with his, watching the creases in his forehead softening as he finally allowed himself to smile in relief.

"I love you, Killian. So, so much." She all but cried out in between sobs of unutterable bliss that simply couldn't be contained.

He touched her face again for the first time since his hand had been buried deep in her chest and ran his knuckles along her cheek and jaw, thumbing at the dent in her chin, as his lips formed a smile that stretched from ear to ear and brought a sparkle to his too blue eyes.

"How come it took you so long to say it back, love?" He teased her.

"I didn't want to miss the look on you face for the world."

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><p><em>I just don't want to know how this ends,<em>  
><em>You'd still hold my heart in the palm of your hands<em>

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><p><strong>The End<strong>

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><p><strong>PHEW! I'm not going to lie, I cried - a lot actually - whilst writing this. It was a soul-squeezing sort of experience, if that makes any sense :)<strong>

**Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it!**

**Please drop me a review?**


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